My personal best of the World Cup (in the 4-5-1 that seemingly every football-civilized country played)
Goalkeeper: Andreas Issakson (Sweden)
Although Italy's Buffon kept nearly a clean sheet throughout the entire World Cup, he also had the universe's best defense in front of him, wore a faux-camisole underneath his keeper's jersey throughout the entire World Cup, and bears the nickname "Gigi". Though Issakson more goals through, he's also responsible for some of the Cup's most spectacular saves.
[also considered: Italy's Buffon, Portugal's Ricardo, Mexico's Oswaldo Sanchez]
Central Defender: Fabio Cannavaro (Italy)
By all rights, the unquestioned MVP of the World Cup. Cannavaro is a ninja-assassin demigod who simply dominated every attacking player he encountered. Also, no one seems to have noticed that he has single-handedly rescued the name "Fabio".
Central Defender: Ricardo Carvalho (Portugal)
If the fact that he put the entire Portuguese defense and defensive midfield on his back during the Holland game doesn't do it for you, consider his new entry in the sporting dictionary's "Taking One For the Team" (courtesy of Wayne Rooney) as justification enough.
Left Defender: Gianluca Zambrotta (Italy)
Blazing speed up and down the field, combined with steely tackles and the most perfect trashy-hipster image of any footballer playing? Zambi's got my vote. Naturally a left-sided player, Zambi played on the right during the World Cup, but we shifted him over to include...
Right Defender: Phillip Degen (Switzerland)
Switzerland became the first team in World Cup history to be eliminated without allowing a single goal. Degen used his incredible pace to provide almost all of Switzerland's admittedly pathetic attack (but, when your best attacker is your right defender, you've got problems anyhow) , then sprint back to cut off opposing forays. If Zambrotta is the top trashy-hipster, Degen is the quintessential preppy Eurotrash.
[also considered: William Gallas and Lillian Thuram (France), Roberto Ayala (Argentina)]
Central Midfielder: Gennaro Gattuso (Italy)
Simply destroyed every attacking midfielder Italy faced. When marking Zidane, rendered him nearly a non-factor in the Final. I also like to think we share a resemblance, right down to his now-infamous pantsless (or, more appropriately, sans culotte) victory celebration.
Central Midfielder: Maniche (Portugal)
The best two-way midfielder in the entire tournament, Maniche patrolled both halves relentlessly, helping Carvalho bolster the defense, and then orchestrating Portugal's forward movement. Also seemed to be the only Portuguese player who preferred taking an actual shot on goal to passing it, crossing it, dicking around with the ball in the box, or forgetting about the ball entirely to gaze upon Cristiano Ronaldo's elegant neck.
Central Midfielder: Juan Roman Riquelme (Argentina)
Though most critics implicitly condemn Riquelme by blaming deference to his style as the root cause for Argentina's demise, he also, seemingly unnoticed, led the tournament in assists (4) despite playing in only five matches.
Winger: Franck Ribery (France)
Ridiculously fast, tricky on the ball, coolest permanent scar, and most unlikely convert to Islam: things that all describe Franck Ribery.
Winger: Arjen Robben (Holland)
Like all Dutch players, looks kinda goofy, but plays aggressive, lightning-quick football up and down the touchlines.
[also considered: Stephen Appiah (Ghana — who, being known as the Black Stars, simultaneously win the Best Nickname of the Tournament, and Best Nickname of the Tournament That Could Be Easily Appropriated by a Racial Power Movement), Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal), Anatoliy Tymoschuk (Ukraine), Pavel Nedved (Czech Republic)]
Striker: Miroslav Klose (Germany)
Simply, the only striker who was able to consistently finish in the entire World Cup. Dangerous with both head and foot, Klose also created chances for his strike partner, Lukas Podolski, with some nifty passes and inventive movement. If he weren't so tall, would also win the Most Likely To Star in a Formulaic Family Sitcom as the Bland, Harried Father After Retirement award.
[also considered: a sixth midfielder. Strikers universally sucked this year.]
Coach: Ricardo La Volpe (Mexico)
Was asked to quit smoking on the sidelines by FIFA officials, a request he grudgingly acquiesced to. Looks like Satan, but wears ties adorned with suspiciously Tweety Bird-esque figures. Quit as national team coach no less than three times during the actual tournament in front of the media, and immediately denied resigning the morning after, claiming the press were "mental". Without question, the Coach of the Tournament.
